Nightmare 1 on Albert Street

Legs heavy, I need to get there. Wear? Tear! Let me hold onto this railing. Oh – my arms feel wobbly as hell. How come everybody moves so swiftly? Why am I thinking in question marks? Keep moving. Do keep moving. It is important somehow although utterly unclear how anything can be. Important. I can’t rest, I would be trampled in dirt. So, move, ass-hole, move, you have two arms two pull you along if necessary. People bump into me – I go too bloody slow. Embarrassing. I’d like to apologize for hindering them. Don’t I know her? She’s nice. It’s time to man up. There, on my feet again. See I can do it. Others flow past me. I am an obstacle in their course. Speed the fuck up! My calves are trailing my thighs. I have to be an odd sight. Don’t scream. You tried. It was just disappointment. Just move on, if you fall maybe they’ll notice. Just make it dramatic. Extend your arms to break your fall. Delete that – breaking your nose will draw more attention. Anyway, your arms are tired already and you might need them again, later. Things are so grey even these words stand out too much. I’m not tired, just feeling unwell. It’ll be all right when I’m there. I can see some red. It might be my imagination.

Damn the fuck. Stairs! They seem endless even if there are only ten of them. Or so. Time your fall. If you do it well you will crack your skull, that would get some attention. I’m not afraid of the pain. It’s just too melodramatic. See how these others move up as if they are water going downstream, obeying gravity. On your knees motherfucker, on your knees in the grey dust that blurs your feet. Damn, the steps of these stairs are high. I’ll use my elbows as support so I can keep seeing my hands. I will need them, if ever I get there. I can’t see “there” anymore, my whole horizon is filled with these stairs. I make progress, sure, although I can’t see where I started nor where to go. I have to be halfway. I am always halfway. It feels like I am sinking so heavy so tired but let’s just take it step by step, at least I’m crawling vertically this time.

Is that light? Yes, I see some light. Hazy but light. Ah, yes, just grab that top step and pull for your life and push on those feet. It’s all still there! Thank God it’s all still there. My eyes almost at level with the light, how would I look like? Like melted or something? My nose kind of drooping over my chin. Horrendous, just get there. Stop thinking – you think too much. See where thinking got you: in streams of people flowing like they have no flow of thinking whilst you have been thinking all of the way and flowing none of it. Thinking slows you down, just pull and push and yes: the light. It’s blinding but it’s light, it should be blinding, takes getting used to but that’s all right.

What? No! You’re kidding. I’d laugh if I could find my mouth. I mean, no!, not a square, please for the love of, no square filled with people too far to make out if they have faces. I got here now. I can lie down and be done with it. Is it silence or am I deaf? Can somebody make some noise? Please? No? Okay I’ll just carry this body then to there and, well, just stay calm and carry on. Nothing. Try to stand up. Fair enough, crawl then, half in pixelated dust. Take a peek once in a while to see where you’re going. Once. In. A. While. My head is heavy. Too heavy to heave. See it next time. I hope not.

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